A Winner!

gp: March 16, 2010

The Great Gnome-out 2010 is over!

Clinging on to the last moments as the tiny remaining ice island was pulled into the falls, DuckySnowman has been declared the Official Winner of the 2010 Great Gnome-out!

Catapulted into fame as the companion of Zweilbell the Gnome, DuckySnowman became the designated Contestant of the pair when a contest ruling judgement pointed to the "lower half" of the pair as the real Event competitor. Fans will remember the riveting tale of how Zweilbell and DuckySnowman came to America mistaken as a souvenir from Germany via London, England, and the succor that was given the pair by the New Hampshire based Toumpas Family.


This win is especially interesting as the pair were once declared lost by the Great Gnome-out Executive Judgement Panel when they were burried in the snow and ice and not seen for almost a month.

The Official "Gnome-out" was declared at 5:37am today.

The sad part of the tale is that our winner, like many of our brave contestants, is lost. Search teams are already combing the shores attempting to locate the pair and any other surviving contestants. Presentation of the winning trophy is being held until the pair can be located or they come forward.

On a positive note, one successful rescue has already taken place: Gnappey, our Puerto Rican Gnome and the Great Gnome-out runner up has been recovered. Gnappey was recovered substantially down stream from the Grizwald Pond. Still sporting his favorite mushroom, Gnappey is water logged but hale. He is however, despondent over the loss of Ducky, his small yellow companion who is likely making his way on a long journey of the ponds and streams issuing from the Grizwald Pond.

Ptthbshurtmmmm, sighted earlier at the water's edge has disappeared. Whether this Gnome recovered and made his own way from the Grizwald Pond, or whether someone assisted him is not known.

Hail DuckySnowman!

Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International

All But Two!

gp: March 15, 2010

It wasn't supposed to be this quick!

Absolute carnage at the hands of Mother nature has dominated the past 3 days at the Great Gnome-out, and from it, we have our last two on the ice!

In the last 24 hours, huge amounts of ice has melted under the onslaught of weather staying about freezing at night, 40-50's F during the day, extensive rain, and huge amounts of water moving through the Grizwald Pond.

Currently the free-floating ice island is only about 20' in diameter - at least a three times loss in size in a 24 hour period.

"Doesn't usually go that fast", said hostess Annette Grizwald. "It's early too - mid-March. Wacky weather".

Speaking of loss -

Many of the Gnomes and Garden creatures are currently unaccounted for. Sitting (or lying) solidly on ice yesterday, Sir Humphrey, Ribbit, Jakemily Emiljaky, Snail and Grummpy Chato are now all gone to the rushing waters. Ptthbshurtmmmm was found unresponsive on the pond's shore.

With that group missing, Buzz Flyboy in the hands of Terrorists, and Gnub gone missing earlier, who's still there?
Surprise! The small guys are finishing last! Despite disappearing for great lengths of time under snow and ice, and in one case, being declared lost, small has pulled through.

Ganeppy has reunited with his Ducky (who floats anyway) and both are in a puddle in the middle of the last ice.

Zweibell and his riding companion Duckysnowman have definitely reappeared, and have a commanding location on solid ice.

The game, now international in flavor as Puerto Rico takes on Germany, is still on!

Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International.

*&&*^(^&^^%$%^###

Holy Crap. Apparently the GFBI (Gnome Federal Bureau of Investigation? -- Do they have to copy everything we humans do??) has had my wife, the event judges, the obnoxious pink haired litle Troll reporter and other other tall bearded reporter all stashed at some off-the-way interogation center. In upper Maine some where.

Now they're all out and they're a callin' and screeching at me to get updates on the ice. And the ice. And the Gnomes. And bunches of stuff about terrorist plots. Makes no sense, but they're all going on and on.

Here's an update for ya: It's melting. Fast. They all gonna die soon - hehe.

Since they wanted a picture, I took a few. Here's the only in focus one.

Yep, that's a lot of water where the ice was.

Still the same gnomes as this mornin' out there, but not fer long.

Reporter Bob Grizwald, at yer service!

What the heck is going on?

I woke up this morning and nobody's here. My wife's missing, so are all those judges and meddlin' reporters. I may have slept a bit late afta a brew or two, an' it looks like we lost power for a while in last night's blow, but it's weird that no ones here. Well, the critters are all out on the pond 'cept that Gnub Gnome, who's gone into the water that's raging all around cause of the storm like. And that Airforce Gnomes still missin' of course.

Still raining to beat the band, an' the ice has broken free and is floating all round the pond now. Gettin's smaller fast too. Ain't gonna belong b4 all them Gnomies are swimming...

Weather Update!

March 13, 2010; 6:50pm


"The National Weather Service has issued a flood watch for southern New Hampshire and portions of Massachusetts from this evening through Monday morning.

According to the NWS, the coming storm will bring heavy, long-duration rain, the largest such event since the spring of 2006.

Three to as much as 6 inches of wind-swept rain is forecast along the New Hampshire-Mass. border, with 2 to 4 inches falling further north."

http://www.unionleader.com/article.aspx?articleId=cf883f52-de27-4e0b-8d18-52e17d225aa8&headline=Round+2%3a+Nor%27easter+to+bring+wind%2c+rain%2c+outages+and+flooding

Bob Grizwald: "This aughta finish all them buggers off!"

Gnome-out Terrorist Kidnapping!

Buzz Fly-boy Kidnapped By Jihadist Terroist Group - The Gnational Equire Investigative Report!


By Victoria Dickenson - Gnational Enquire Investigative reporter




The offices of the Gnational Equire, and indeed the entire Gnoming Community were stunned - STUNNED! - today by the finding of a picture and a ransom demand note for Buzz Fly-boy, the Gnome Air force Representative to the Great Gnome-out cruelly attached to the wall of the Grizwald's residence - hosts of this year's Great Gnome-out.

















In the picture left behind, a Gnome, that we can only presume to be Buzz by his apparel, is heavily restrained while flanked by Jihadist guards wearing turbans. How cruelly they have bound poor Buzz, and only the most evil of Gnomes would blind fold their captive with duct tape. All that facial hair!

The Terrorists have identified themselves as the "Pan Gnom Jihad Army Resistance" in the Ransom Note. After talking to all my political

connections (numerous as they are!), it still seems that we know NOTHING about this group in the Gnoming world.

The Ransom Note for our poor Buzz was pinned to the wall of the Grizwald house with great malice with Gardening Shears to make sure we take this message as SERIOUSLY as it is

The message, pictured here in my Photo, reads like this:

"We have Fly Boy
We are the Gnom Jihad Army Resistance
Deliver to us the Plans
or you will never
see fly Boy again
We will contact you
with directions"

WOW. But I have to ask myself, as you, my readers must be asking yourselves -What Plans are worth the life of Fly-boy??


As I write this, the first representatives of the GFBI have begun arriving to the scene, and they have taken possession of both the Picture and the Ransom note. It is unclear what they intend to do.

I am posting this story quickly as they are hearding us all into the Grizwald's living room and I am s

Resurrection and approaching death on the ice!

gp: March 13, 2010

The Ice giveth back, but the water closes in.

Mother nature can be cruel.

With the ongoing weather of low 50's F during the day all this week, the ice pack on the Grizwald Pond continues shrink. Water is almost completely around the edges of the pond and is fully crossing the back of the pond where the main current is.

Mother Nature can also be helpful.

One of our Contestants, Ganeppy, has resurfaced miraculously from the ice's cold clutches. Today's Contestant check positively confirmed Ganeppy's visible presence on the ice, although still partially encased in it's frozen embrace.

"Yeah. Look at that. One of the little buggers is gettin' spit back out" responded an enthusiastic Bob Grizwald who made the initial discovery while sitting on Great Gnome-out's viewing stand and enjoying the first beer of the morning. Given the color of his eyes and general appearance, it was a miracle that Bob could focus enough to see the ice much less the diminutive Gnome.

In a potentially more amazing recovery, rumours are that companion of Zweibell from Germany - Duckysnowman - has been sighted. The yet to be confirmed rumours are that the pair are currently upside down or close to it so only Duckysnowman's white underside is showing, making it very hard for clear identification against the glare of the ice. If Duckysnowman's presence can be verified, the ruling of the Great Gnome-out's judging committee that the pair - or at least Duckysnowman- were lost will have to be reversed.

But again, Mother Nature can be cruel.

As reported earlier, the water continues to close in on Gnub, our Sailor Gnome. Observation has the open water flow across the back of the pond only inches away from Gnub. Worse, it is obvious that the ice under Gnub is thinning.

With today's weather report calling for temperatures in the 40's, and for a rain-based Nor'easter with wind and rain to hit tonight, Gnub may be swimming with the fishes in Grizwald Pond before morning.

The rest of the contestants are mostly unchanged, though it was noted that both Jakemily Emiljaky and Ribbit are beginning to tilt, with Emiljaky's position upon his mushroom starting to look precarious.

Off in the woods to the west now of Grizwald Pond, we can still hear the calls of the Rescue Teams searching for Buzz Fly-boy. This effort has be going on for days, but is wanning as becomes evident that our AirForce Gnome is not to be found.

Our readers must note as the end for some of these upstanding (or lying) creatures nears: what appears to be cruel endings to innocent Gnomes and Garden Creatures is merely Mother Nature's whims and the call of the Great Game.

As the end of the game draws near, the crowds of spectators jostling for viewing position grows daily.

Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International.

At Home with the Grizwalds

gp: March 9, 2010

Meet the Grizwalds - The GPI interview.

Sometimes seen, rarely reported, but always behind the scenes, Annette and Bob Grizwald, the hosts for this year's Great Gnome-out are the proverbial glue that holds the ice together and the oil that floats on it.

Gnome Press International reporter Gerald Putzny got a rare chance to spend some time chatting with the Grizwalds amid the excitement of the Great Gnome-out

Gerald Putzney: Thanks for taking the time to let our readers get to know you better.
Annette Grizwald: Y' welcome.
Bob Grizwald: Want another beer?

GP: I'm good, thanks. Can you tell me why you folks volunteered to host this year's Great Gnome-out?
AG: The little buggers are cute. I got a bunch of my own, but they didn't want to come out of the shed in the cold. Maybe some'll stay afterwards.
BG: God, I hope not. For me, I just wanted to see them go down when the ice melts. Besides, the extra cash the committee paid didn't hurt either.

GP: Has running the Great Gnome-out put a burden on you?
AG: The people ringing the doorbell at all hours, hanging out on the porch, leaving their beer cans and pizza boxes.
BG: ... That was my band buddies.
AG: Well, the protesters.
BG: (laughs) Yeah - they've slowed down a bit after Annette shoveled horse crap on them that one time.
AG: It's what they wanted...
BG: Though I was mad about you throwing my favorite sneakers.
AG: Those rotten pieces of s___, that you'd never get rid of?
BG: (pauses) Ahh... sure. And you shot at some of them too.
AG: Only the old guy who got your sneakers then came back and said his Gnomes wouldn't take them because they smelled some kind of bad. He was tryin' to return them, so I shot at him a couple of times to chase him off.
BG: Did he leave the sneakers?
AG: (sighs) Yes.
BG: Excellent!
AG: Don't bother. I tied the laces together and whipped them up around the power lines. They're still up there.
BG: No wonder it took five days for the line crews to get us power back after the storm.

GP: So who do you like in the contest so far?
BG: I'll tell you who I don't like! I still think that Pissbucket...
GP: Ptthbshurtmmmm?
BG: Whatever. That thing is dangerous.

GP: I read the interview you did where you said you thought it was some other Gnome that had been in your garage...

-- Ten minute break --

GP: All settled down are we?

AG: He's O.K. now.

BG (fumes visibly, but does not reply)

GP: Let's change the subject for a bit then. Is it true there is only one guard dog for the event, and he's deaf?

AG: Our cats are much more territorial. And dangerous.

GP: How about the dog?

AG: What?

GP: The dog...

AG: What?

GP: ... Ah. Deaf as a stone.

AG: What?

GP: Indeed.

BG: (mumbles) Get another beer...

GP: So we never learned who you think is going to win.

AG: Well, I like the frog thing. It's got a nice sunshade in that flower, and a nice wide butt.

BG: (mumbles) Not the only thing around here with an ice cold wide butt.

AG: WHAT?

BG: Rut! The frog isn't in much of a rut. And the rest of them. Now. Ice melt spots. Divots. They're ruts you know.

GP: So Mr. Grizwald, who do you think will win.

BG: Well, I have to be careful you know. A person.. err... people in our position, the missus and me, we have to be careful cause we could alter the flow of events of the Event here, if you know what I mean.

GP: No, I'm not sure. What do you mean?

BG: Well, there is betting going on - strictly legal an all - friendly side bets. Like for beers and stuff.

GP: The Great Gnome-out committee expressly forbids gambling on the results and the activities of the Contest.

BG: Yeah, yeah, sure. Nothing major. Like that. But they do have a line running on it in Vegas now. The Frog's a strong favorite. Mushroom boy's at 3 ta 1.

--Two Minute Break--

BG: Yeah, I'll keep my mouth shut

AG: Idiot

GP: Is there anything else your folks would like to talk about on the Great Gnome-out?

AG: The poor Gnomes that have been lost so far. So courageous.

BG: Yeah. Like that Military one that was always harassing the other ones. The one's that gone missing.

GP: Buzz Fly-boy.

BG: Yeah, Him. That crazy other reporter's been hanging around whining about his being missing. Causing a big racket trying get get somebody to go look in the woods for him.

GP: (with some distaste) Victoria Dickenson

BG: Yeah, that pink haired little thing. They call her Vickie Dickie.

GP: Yes.

BG: Anyway, she's been a real pest recently. Wanted me to take the dog into the woods to hunt for him. Didn't catch on that the only thing the dog can find these days is tennis balls and places to piss on.

--Thirty second break --

GP: You were talking about Ms. Dickenson?

BG: (with side glance to his wife) Yeah.

GP: Why shouldn't she want to look for Mr. Fly-boy? Sounds like a noble thing to do. He doesn't appear to have gone through the ice or fallen into the water.

BG: Well, its a bit odd.

GP: Odd?

BG: All the carrying on.

GP: How so?

BG: Well, it's not like I'm a prude or anything.

GP: I don't understand.

BG: Look. He was a big strapping war hero type.

GP: I suppose so.

BG: And she's this little pink mop haired thing.

GP: Yes, she's small.

BG: Well. She's small. And not a Gnome.

GP: ?

AG: I don't like where you're going with this...

BG: (winces). Well, it's like she could be something else.

GP: Something else?

BG: Like, well, something not pretty.

GP: And?

BG: Like she's a troll or something.

GP: And?

BG: I'm not a prude.

GP: Meaning?

BG: Well you know.

GP: Know what?

BG. A Troll. And a Gnome. She's obviously got this thing about Fly-boy.

--Five Minute break--

BG: I was just saying it ain't natural!

-- Three Minute Break --

AG: Bob had to step out for a few minutes.

GP: Mrs. Grizwald, it's been a please chatting with you. And your husband.

AG: Thanks Mr. Putzney. We're always here.

Gerald Putzney for Gnome Press International

The Gnome-out Update

gp: March 9, 2010


Just a Quick Update


The meltdown continues at the Great Gnome-out. With yet another date hitting 50 degrees F, the ice at the Grizwald Pond continues to shrink. We are only a day - two at best - away from our brave Gnomes and other Enitities being on an ice island completely surrounded by water.

"Yep", said Mrs Grizwald, the property owner. "She usually melts out the back where the current flows first, then melts out the edges. We usually end up with an ice island in the middle".

Oh Ho! Wouldn't that carefully guarded knowledge have been useful to our Contestants when picking spots!

As our host has pointed out, the back edge of the pond is almost all moving water at this point - and it's Gnub that will likely swim for real first because of this. Gnub, who still hasn't recovered from his last fall, reguardless of how it happened, is the Gnome who was positioned furthest out on the pond. Even as this report is being written, the edge of the water is only inches away from Gnub's prostrate body.

In the only other action for the day, Ptthbshurtmmmm, our largest contestant has finally tilted over, and is down on the ice. This leaves Jakemily Emiljaky - whose mushroom is proving a good idea, and Ribbit still sitting.

Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International

We Need A Rescue Effort!

Rescue Buzz Fly-boy - The Gnational Equire Demands Action!

By Victoria Dickenson - Gnational Enquire Investigative reporter

Many of our devoted readers (aren't you all!) remember with trembling heart my amazing inteview with that true personification of Gnomehood, Buzz Fly-boy.

The news is that Buzz has gone missing! As in GONE!

What's worse is that those idiots of Officials at the Great Gnome-out (or is that Official Idiots?) don't seem to care! It's obvious to this Reporter that some sort of nefarious business has been afoot on the ice at the Grizwald Pond.

Examine the facts as this Reporter expertly lays them out for your examination:

1. Buzz and all the other Gnomes were there after the big storm. For those of you ninnies that say he was blown away in the storm -- HELLO! He's in all the pictures afterwards! The pictures never lie so get a life!

2. Several of other other Gnomes are lying down on the job, and NONE of the Gnomes are talking. This Reporter risked life and limb to go out on the ice to talk with these buggers, and none, not even the ones that speak a civilized language would talk. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

3. Unlike Buzz's landing, THERE IS NO MELTED ICE PATH from his jet taking off. This reporter knows perfectly well that Buzz could be perfectly stealthy if he wanted to be and not leave a trail, but we know our Buzz: He would have taken off hot and fast form this forgotten spot.

4. There is no melt-through spot, not like poor Gannepy, and Ducky, and Zeilbell, and that snow-duck thing that are stuck in the ice, probably never to emerge. Buzz was BIG. He was a BIG Gnome that wouldn't just casually melt off into the ice.

The conclusion is obvious: Somebody, some thing has done something nefarious with Buzz. This Reporter knows just how unbelievable that sounds given Buzz's prowness.

There must be a search party sent out! Get Buzz Fly-boy's picture on to the milk cartons! Talk to the local Pixies, Mixies and wildlife!

What are you sitting still for?

More attacks and the first contestants down!

gp: March 6, 2010

Big Happenings at the Gnome-out!

In the week following the the major storm that so drastically affect the Great Gnome-out, changes have been fast paced, with the majority of the Contestants. Worse, we have apparently have had the first 2 casualties.

Observation is purely from distance at this time: between the early spring rains, last week's major storm system and the weather reaching over 40 degrees F during the day, the ice has become unstable enough to not support most humans. Indeed, since the storm there has been open water at both ends of the Grizwald Pond.

More disturbingly, there has apparently been another rash of attacks on the ice.

Here is the status of our contestants:

- Buzz Flyboy, our loud mouthed Gnome Army representative is missing entirely. At this time his fate is unknown. The ice where he had taken his position is unchanged, indeed there appears to be the impression of his feet still visible, however Buzz is not in evidence.

Rumours abound: Did Buzz reach his point of endurance after the storm and take off in his stealth Gnome jet? Was Buzz attacked and carried away by what ever has been stalking the Event Grounds? Was he attacked by rival Gnomes, tired of his incessant needling? We may never know.

- Zweibell and Ducky Snowman have also been lost. Despite whichever entity of this pair you were rooting for, both have apparently gone down through the ice. Ever since the extensive snow storm mid-February that covered over the smaller Contestants, and the subsequent melt down/refreeze cycle, this diminutive pair was only briefly seen the day after the storm, sitting low in the ice.

Three Contestants are still standing upright: Ribbit, whose wide bottom and sunflower umbrella seem to have been a good combination is the least affected by events on the ice. Jakemily Emiljaky and Ptthbshurtmmmm are both still standing (or in Emiljaky's case, sitting) albeit at a list to one side. In both cases, the list is due to the beginning of sinking into the ice.

Sir Humphrey, Grumpy Chato and Gnub are all lying down on the ice. Given the previous attack on Gnub, the Great Gnome-out Event leaders have been worried about the possibility of a repeat of this episode, but the attitude of these three seems to speak more to shear exhaustion versus the result of some attack. All three are in minor ice declivities -the beginnings of a melt-through. The debate rages that these gnomes are not resting and they are tied into the disappearance of Buzz Flyboy in some way. Calls out to the ice to these contestants, have not gained any coherent response, and the condition of the ice is such that humans cannot reach these contestants.

The tale gets much sadder from here. Ganeppy our Spanish speaking Gnome from Puerto Rico and his ducky are on the edge of loss. All evidence of Ducky has disappeared. Ducky struggled early on despite his evident ability to float, his tiny size working against him. Ganeppy himself is in serious difficulty: he has sunk into the ice to the point of being completely encased. Given the freeze at night / melt during the day cycle the Grizwald Pond is currently experiencing any contestant encased in ice could make a reappearance, so this reporter's hopes are with both Ganeppy and Ducky.

Snail, our silent contestant, is just a small lump of a shell, barely sticking out of the ice.

With the weather showing continued clear days with temperatures in the mid 40's F. and nights in the high 20's F., we are heading toward and early Ice-out for the Gnome-out this year.

Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International

Storm Rips through Great Gnome-out

gp: February 27, 2010

Storms and Blackouts!

It's been a while since reporting could happen from the Great Gnome-out, and much has transpired. A particularly viscous late winter / early spring storm came through New Hampshire this past week. The hurricane force winds, combined with mixed heavy rain and snow took down trees and branches all over, and took out power and Internet to the Grizwald residence, the host for this year's event, for almost a week.

As the spectators and Event staff returned to the site, all were astounded at the effect Mother Nature has wrought upon our Contest. Several large trees were knocked down on the Grizwald property, and the surround neighborhood has been substantially damaged, with several of the access road complete blocked by down trees and power lines.

At the pond, water now surrounds the Event area ice on several sides, and the flow both into an out of the pond is dramatic. What are normally sleepy little waterfalls at either end of the pond are now rushing torrents of water. Indeed, the volume is so great that the back edge of the pond has overflowed and is also a waterfall.

A headcount finds all Contestants present and accounted for with a few of the smaller entities struggling with water and melting into the ice somewhat. Debris on the ice makes finding a few of the little folk problematic.

With the future forecast for a warming trend, the ice will continue to decrease -- the Gnome-out is truly underway!





Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International

Gnub Attacked!

gp: February 19, 2010

Doughty Sailor Gnome fights off Mystery Attack in Middle of Night!

Do not be disturbed by the pictures that follow: Our Brave Gnome is none the worse for wear.

Sometime late last night Gnub, the Great Gnome-out's Sailor Gnome was attacked by an unknown assailant.

Rising early this morning, Great Gnome-out host, Mrs. Grizwald, observed Gnub face down on the ice. Thinking quickly, Mrs. Grizwald summoned the event's Medical Team, grabbed her trusty shotgun and ran out to Gnub's aid on the ice.

Both the Medical Team and Mrs. Grizwald ascertained that the Gnome was fine when he responded clearly: "Yarr. I'm a sleepin' hereabouts. L'emme 'lone"

Leaving rounded, indistinct tracks, Gnub's assailant was apparently driven off before inflicting permanent or visible damage to the Sailor. How Gnub succeeded in staying unharmed, of if he was really attacked is not known,


Surprisingly, none of the other other contestants offered any commentary on the Gnub's ordeal other than Buzz Flyboy's snide comment alluding to the Sailor's inability to hold his liquor. The general silence around the apparent confrontation is very unusual for Gnomes: usually somebody has something to say.



Later in the day, Gnub apparently woke up and righted himself, looking none the worse for wear.

Gerald Putzny for the Gnome Press International

Snow! Gnome-out pictorial

gp: February 16, 2010

Let there be snow!

Overnight, Mother Nature let loose with 9 inches or so of the fluffy white stuff, effectively blanketing most of the contestants of the Great Gnome-out. When morning came, our intrepid homeowner, Mrs. Grizwald was able to make a forary out to the pond to try and locate our contestants.

The contestant pictures below are the only ones she was able to identify










Jakemily Emiljaky



Ribbit. (the flower was a great help)









Psssbucket



















Buzz Flyboy





Grumpy Chato

We are all hoping that all is well with our other contestants whose smaller stature has placed them under the snow line, and wish them the best of thaws in the increasingly warmer days ahead this week.

Gerald Putzny for the Gnome Press International

It's a Snail

gp: February 15, 2010


A Snail is a snail is a snail.


Our 10th contestant is small, and has arrived with his own house. Attached.


At only 2 inches tall, this Garden Creature is invoking concern over his diminutive size. Little is known about this contestant, having slithered his way out onto the ice in time for the start of the Great Gnome-out, and subsequently been entered as a contestant, not a peep of communications has come from this fellow.


A certain amount of grumbling has been heard from some of the nearby contestants of the snail's ability to pull into his shell.


"Bet he's nice and warm in there" carped Jakemily Emiljaky, the nearest Gnome, as if he wasn't toting a butt-warming toadstool of his own.

Indeed, there was enough general hubbub out on the ice, that Great Gnome-out Committee Member Richard "Dick" Heade personally came out onto the ice. After a frustrating period of time attempting to communicate with the snail, Mr. Heade issued following statement:

"Sometimes a Snail is just a snail."

Et tu, escargot?

Gerald Putzney for Gnome Press International

The British Connection

gp: February 2/14/2010

A Proper British Gnome

The Great Gnome-out's contestant number nine is another European adventurer. Sir Humphrey is a proper citizen of the British Isles, hailing from the south bank of the River Thames in great London itself.

Swearing that the "Sir" has been properly obtained via knighting by the Queen herself (of Faeries, apparently) for unusual and extensive services to the crown, Sir Humphrey for many years has been the Chief Chimney Gnome at the Battersea Power Station.


Notable for being the setting of Pink Floyd's 'Pigs On The Wing Part 1' as well as the cover art from their 1977 concept album, Animals, the Battersea Power Station has become one of the better known landmarks in London. Built in two stages in the form of a single building with four very large smokestacks on the south bank of the River Thames, the coal burning station ceased generating electricity after almost 50 years in 1983, giving a now lonely Sir Humphrey time to travel.

When asked if being a Chimney Gnome is similar enough to being a Garden Gnome to qualify for this competition, Sir Humphrey replied: "Well. Soot is soot is it not? Call it soot, call it dirt, its all filthy stuff that you can grow things in if you were so minded. Besides," as he cast his eye (or so we thought - as nobody can see his eyes) around the various contestants out on the ice, "even run over by a lorry I would be able to fit in with this bloody lot"

Having stumped out and sat on the ice, it is not clear whether Sir Humphfrey regrets his choice of location nearby Buzz Flyboy, who has talked about his exploits essentially non-stop since landing. Having turned his back to Flyboy, we might guess the thought.

Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International

Sittin' High with Pride!

gp: February 8, 2010

Jakemily Emiljaky? Yet another gnome with a secret, and more controversy.



Coming back from the Great Gnome-out's Gmedia Blackout, we find that some of the Gnomes haven't had their day in the media sun have been desperate to get their stories heard. One Gnome, Gnub, went to the point of writing his (rather unprofessional) own story and then posted it to the Internet.


Our next Gnome is more traditional than some of our contestants albeit the pointy nose that matches his pointy head er... hat. To the relief of our Gnomish interpreters, this Gnome speaks clear Garden Gnomish Standard Number 1. What wasn't entirely clear was why he choose (or was given) the name Jakemily Emiljaky. When asked, Jakemily simply replied in clear Standard #1: "Why not?"


Unlike the majority of the contestants, Jakemily came prepared food-wise for the event, carrying a bag of apples and his favorite lucky strawberry. Also unlike a number of our contestants, Jakemily has a full-time job that he is currently on hiatus from.

"Controlling the Zoomies and catching them again if they get away".

We are un-clear what "Zoomies" might be, but they are apparently dangerous and may be similar to Pixies. While pursing understanding of this comment, this reporter overhead another Gnome out on the ice mutter "Nuclear".

The controversy started immediately the next morning when it became apparent that Jakemily Emiljaky grew a very large mushroom under him as he sat on on the ice overnight.

As we have seen a couple times already now, this occurrence has thrown the Great Gnome-out Judges into a tizzy. Again the event rules were examined because, as the astute Gnome-out follower knows, per rule #4, the Gnomes and other Garden Entities have to stand directly on the ice: there can not be any interposing structure or item that might act as a flotation device.


When confronted by the Judges, Jakemily firmly stated that he was "one with the Shroom" and that he would never abandon his mushroom. Furthermore, the mushroom and he would "go down together if that's what it takes!" Examination of the mushroom proved it to be of solid stuff; indeed much like the Gnome himself. With these statements and the result of the examination, the Judges have ruled to allow the mushroom to stay, barring further evidence that it change into some sort of life-preserver.

Later, this reporter privately asked Jakemily Emiljaky how he grew this fungus overnight in the middle of of a pond covered in ice, and why. Jakemily declined to answer the first question, choosing to smile enigmatically and to throw a well chewed apple core at neighboring Gnome instead. To the second question, his response was as pointed as his head.. er... nose.

"My ass was cold sitting on the ice"


Gerald Putnzy for Gnome Press International.

Gnub speaks

Gnub here.

I been sailin' the ocean blue.

Used to be a grub farmer out west.

Started hearin' the sounds of the ocean in my head.

I signed up with them Navy Boys.

Been all over the world and seen some mighty fine sights.

Heard bout this contest about sittin on a frozen pond till we falls in. I aint afraid of no pond water!!!

Heave ho!

Imma gonna take the first Prize fer shure!

Buzz Fly-boy - The Gnational Equire Interview

By Victoria Dickenson - Gnational Enquire Investigative reporter

As apparently the Great Gnome-out's suck up reporter Gerald the Putz has fallen through the ice, it is one again up to the Gnational Equire and this reporter to bring you all the news.

This reporter was been hearing jet engines mixed with usual helicopters for days before the start of the Great Gnome-out. In dramatic fashion and with jet engine sounds, the subject of our interview came in for a landing the night of the kick off, leaving a trail of melted ice behind him.

After the gaggle of Judges and the Event committee had finally finished with our Gnome, and after this reporter was able to sneak back onto the grounds after the Event committee's ill-advised choice of a Gmedia blackout, we were able to get pictures and this thrilling interview.

Our Gnome is named "Buzz Fly-boy", and he's a military man.. er, Gnome. He has been flying high over head in his super duper stealth reconnaissance jet for several days scoping out the situation and deciding whether or not to commit to this competition. He apparently deemed it worthy enough of his talents as he is here!

Buzz was born at Elm Hollow Farm somewhere near the manure pile. At the tender age of 70 Buzz was drafted by the United States Gnome Air Force. While in the USGAF, he excelled at every job he held whether it be bootlicker, mechanic or Ace Pilot. No standing out in gardens for Buzz!

With little research, we have discovered that Garden Fairies tremble at the thought of engaging in aerial combat with Buzz. To date no Garden Fairy has lived to best him. Even the kamikaze fireflies are no match for Buzz. Mosquito's are nothing to him.... just a splatter on his windscreen of his super duper stealth fighter jet. He is like the wind... graceful, quiet, deadly.... and gnomish.

This reporter's blood races merely standing next to this icon of Gnomehood.

A Very Strange Start - Gnome-out Kickoff

(gp: February 1, 2010)

It was probably appropriate that there was an odd start to an odd event.

With all the crowds and the all the hullabaloo, with strange contestants arriving at odd moments or appearing miraculously, with all the convroversy it's contestants have caused, it should not have been as big of a shock as it was that the Great Gnome-out Executive Committee declared a "Gmedia blackout" and canceled the opening day festivities on the day of the start of the Event.

"We understand your surprise" explained Richard Heade, the senior committee member on hand at the time. "But given a number of the issues we have encountered this year, the committee voted to try and slow down some of the notoriety the event is generating."

The announcement also took the crowds which had gathered in the pre-dawn morning waiting for the usual fertilizer and used sneaker handouts that mark the beginning of past Gnome-outs by surprise as well. Suspecting that this was only a cost-saving maneuver on the event committee's part, the crowd's mood turned restive quickly.

"How'm I supposed to get the garden to go wi' no fertilizer?" complained Howard D. Doody, a slightly stooped old man with stiff joints. " Them's garden critters will be wanting to get inter the house agin if the garden's no good. An' I ain't got no mo' shoes ta heave at them ter quiet 'em down either. Leave it ter ol' Dick Heade to screw this up."

A potential uprising was averted by quick thinking on the part of Mrs. Grizwald, one on the homeowners who are hosting this year's Gnome-out, when she began shoveling pitchfork fulls of old horse manure at the crowd.

"Here's your fertilizer!" she yelled.

Whether or not this is what the crowd had in mind, it apparently did the trick as the crowd dissipated quickly at that point.

So despite this day which has gone rather differently, the Great Gnome-out is truly underway with it's nine contestants snugly out on the ice. The Event committee is still working the registrations of the last entrants, but this reporter is happy to report that the Gnome Press International has the exclusive pictures and stories of these contestants already, and will be bringing you these over the next several days.

Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International.

Nine at the Eve of the Event!

(gp: January 31, 2010)

It's the evening before the start of the Great Gnome-out, and things are literally "a buzz" here on the ice. Gnome watchers, contestants and judges alike were startled this evening when with a sound like de-accelerating jet engines, a new gnome swooped in for a landing leaving a trail of melted ice behind him.

Concerned watchers rushed the ice in the confusion of this new high-speed arrival wanting to know if everything was all right and who this rather daring gnome might be. After event officials cleared the ice, it was clear that more than just one arrival had occurred in the confusion when the head count tallied nine heads! (or hats, or sort of heads...)

Now in the dark, confused officials are scrambling to set up lights, identify the newcomers and get them officially entered in the contest.

Continue to follow this column the next couple of days folks: we've got a lot of gnomes to meet!

Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International

A few things you didn't hear about

By Victoria Dickenson - Gnational Enquire Investigative reporter

The Great Gnome-out, like many other public events controlled by an inbred committee, often does not allow the real truth out about the real events going on behind the events that they want the public to be brainwashed into thinking are the whole wholesome story.

The insipid used dishrag called the Gnome Press Internal reported earlier today that the crowd noticed that there was a new contestant this morning. Truth is that the contest has been there for days, and the "committee" just woke up enough to realize it. This reporter met and talked with Zwiebell (which means "onion" in German) earlier this week (as you can see in this fine picture of Zweibell and I), well before the committee decided to balk at the German Gnome's entry with his snowman.

What was also not told was the tragic story of Zweibell's arrival in the United States.

Mistaken as yet another pawn shop curio while they were touring London, England on holiday, Zweibell and his snowman were "bought" and pocketed by an ignorant tourist as a souvenir and immediately taken aboard an international flight to Boston, Massachusetts.

Upon reaching Logan Airport, Zwiebell's snowman secured their release by expeditiously chewing his way out of the pocket and taking Zweibell with him. Working their way through the feet forest of the custom's line, Zweibell and snowman found themselves in the main concourse of Logan: friendless and only speaking German.

Fortunately, our heroes are both resourceful and at that time not without resources. Waving a sheaf of 100 Euro bills, they attracted the attention of members of the Toumpas family who happened to be passing by on their way back from a spa vacation in the Swiss Alps. Multi-lingual and world savvy, the Toumpas's took the wayward Gnome and his trusty friend under their wings (so to speak).

Safely at the Toumpas household in New Hapshire, and while pursuing Internet searches in German, Zweilbell came upon the mention of the Great Gnome-out happening just a town over from the Toumpas's. This sparked Zweibell's interest and hopes of winning the contest. Although the grand prize has not been announced, Zweibell hopes for enough cash in winnings to pay for tickets back to his beloved Germany, as apparently he and snowman no longer have enough cash to pay for their tickets back. (Interestingly, this shortage of cash appears to have started at Logan airport.)

The second half of this story centers around the lack of security Zweibell and the Toumpas family found at the Great Gnome-out event location at the Grizwald residence.

Being Gnomish. Zweibell certainly had the means to sneak out onto the ice without any of the human guards or the trained attack dogs being aware. What happened instead was that the entire Toumpas family along with Zweibell and snowman literally waltzed pass the guards and wandered out onto the ice unchallenged. Indeed, the event committee, judges, homeowners and any other human in a position of responsibility were absent. It is questionable whether the guards were even present.

The only opposition to free reign of the property came from the attack dog, such as it was and once he was woken up. It does need to be pointed out that intense licking and tailwagging are not often taken as threatening gestures.

Without a doubt, we are sure that our readership is as shocked as we were to find the lack of apparent care for the safety of the Gnomes out on the ice and the sucess of an event that could easily be tampered with.

Aside from the excuses of the event committee; "The event doesn't start for several days", and the comments of Bob Grizwald the homeowner; "You go try and move one of those Gnomes that don't want to be moved. You'll pull back a bloody stump where your hand was", this event is at risk.

More Contestant Controversy!

(gp: January 29, 2010)

Yet more controversy out on the pond of the Great Gnome-out!



This morning the crowds all identified that we had a potential 5th contestant out on the ice. As this reporter and the Great Gnome-out event officials approached, we realized that there was something amiss with this very, very small entrant.

Apparently the somewhat Santa-looking gnome, who has identified himself as Zwielbell is astride a rather duck looking entity who Zwielbell identifies as his "snowman".

The event Judges became considerably concerned with this pair. Per the Great Gnome-out rules, Zwielbell cannot be mounted on his snowman / duck and be a legal contestant. The two were encouraged to come inside for discussions of legalities. Our photographer was able to get a shot of the pair up close during this time.

The Great Gnome-out Rules state: "Spacing between participants must be maintained as a minimum of 24”, and must be directly on the ice. Intermediate objects (ex: snow piles, boards, sleds, pontoon boats, etc.) cannot be used. " In this case the snowman / duck could be considered and intermediate object.

In addition the rules state: "Participants are encouraged to be 6” in height or length as a minimum, and cannot be naturally floating (ex: inflatable, made of Styrofoam, wood, or wearing water wings). " Duckysnowman "(as he is now dubbed) could potentially be a floatation device.

This last point is not firm in this case. Duckysnowman proved that he was neither wood or Styrofoam after he bit a judge that was prodding him to check what he was made off.

After a protracted discussion, the judges rulled that Zwielbell could NOT participate per the rules. As the crowd reacted volubly to this announcement, the Judges went on to say that Duckysnowman, however, could participate as there is nothing against carrying things on your back.


In this photo, Victoria Dickenson (also famously known as Vickie Dickie of the tabloid Gnational Enquire) is seen congratulating the pair on their entrance to the event.

In other news, several of the media helicopters covering the event have reported being harassed in the air by an unidentified object, some to the point of needing to land due to turbulence.




Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International.

Re- Freeze and another contestant?

(gp: January 29, 2010)

A quick update from the Great Gnome-out to settle all your nerves. Fortunately, all our contestants have survived the torential downpours and unseasonably warm weather earlier in the week, and thanks to the single digit weather, are again confortably (?) back on solid ice.

Much to everyone's suprise, we appear to have another contestant on the ice. More on this as we get a chance to interview this new entitity.

Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International.

Rain!

(gp: January 25, 2010)

After much rain and very unseasonably warm weather (52 Fahrenheit!) there is a lot of water moving through the Great Gnome-out's playing field (pond). An early headcount (6:00 pm) showed all the contestants present and accounted for, but concerns are high about the overnight as the temperature is supposed to stay above freezing and the rain to continue.

The rules committee has confirmed that as the official start is still 5 days away, that the contestants can save themselves and re-position before or after the re-freeze due with the single digit temperatures returning later in the week.

Stand by for further news tomorrow in the light of the day...

Gerald Putzney - Gnome Press International.

Four up!

(gp: January 24, 2010)

It's been a busy day on the ice!

Our 4th contestant has shown up, and apparently from a long way.

Creating a bit of a challenge, Ganeppy the Gnome arrived speaking Spanish to our Gnomish Translators, causing a bit of a scramble to find a local translator. Ganeppy hails from our first off-continent site of Guaynabo, Puerto Rico.

Ganeppy, pictured here with his lucky mushroom and a bag of mangoes, has a rather wistful, possibly forlorn expression most of the time. Perhaps this is due to the first time he's ever seen snow, much less endured temperatures reaching single digits while standing on ice.

Our newest contestant has even more challenges ahead. At only around 7 inches tall, or smallest contestant so far, Ganeppy has the real possibility of being lost in the first snow storm until spring thaw.

Ganeppy also caused an additional stir, arriving with his pet ducky. Apparently named "Mi Perro", the Great Gnome out officials were sent scrambling to try figure out whether the (apparently somewhat rubber) ducky could be allowed to stay with Ganeppy.

In unprecedented mixed decision, the matter went to vote, and resulted in a tie:

3 for the fact that the ducky was a flotation device, therefore not allowed

3 for the fact that the ducky was plainly food, and thusly allowed.

For the moment the ducky remains with his Gnome, pending further investigation and due to the fact the Spanish translator got bored and left during the voting and nobody could explain what was going on to the bewildered Gnome.

Ganeppy is out on the ice this afternoon as daylight wains.

Gerald Putzny - Gnome Press International

Beneath the ice: tension at the Gnome-out

By Victoria Dickenson - Gnational Enquire Investigative reporter

As the excitement builds at the event known as the Great Gnome-out, Gnational Enquirer has come on the scene to find that there are darker currents beneath the smooth ice.

Homeowner Bob Grizwald and his wife are the hosts for this year's event as everyone knows. But what isn't well known, and certainly isn't publicized by that insipid rag that sucks up to the Gnomish world, the Gnome Press International, is that Mr. Grizwald appears to be slightly deranged and is possibly intending harm to one of the contestants.

"I'm looking at that .. that 'Pissbucket' or whatever they think his name is. He looks a lot like the gnome that was living in my garage for for the past year, terrorizing my family. If I figure out that they're the really the same gnome, he'll be seeing the bottom of the pond sooner than spring" said Bob Grizwald.

Mr. Grizwald contends, and Mrs. Grizwald confirms to a lesser degree, that a wild gnome moved into their garage workshop at the beginning of last year. The gnome committed multiple acts of vandalism and Mr. Grizwald contends that it attempted violence on Grizwald when he tried to chase it away.

"The thing had made a nest out of a pile wood scraps, even using my power tools to finish it. When I went to root it out, it came after me with my chainsaw! We've only been able to use the garage by ducking in and grabbing what we need when it was asleep. Haven't been able to park the car in there. Don't know what he'd do with that."

Grizwald pointed to a pile of wood scraps and multiple discarded large cans. "He drank all my paint thinner and turpentine too"

This this kind of raw emotion, it is apparent to this trained reporter's eye that there is a strong possibility of violence here.

"Fancy new clothes or not, these two look too similar, and the fact that he was the first to arrive makes me highly suspicious. I'll take him out if it's really him. I've got a picture of him I got a one point early on. Even then he gave me the finger."

We've included pictures of the two gnomes. You make the judgement - Truth, psychotic raving of a man pushed too far by a gnome, so simply another fame seeker looking for the limelight at the expense of an innocent gnome?

... And then there were 3!

(gp: January 24, 2010)

The early morning light of day 7 before the start of the Great Gnome-out, the sponsors and committee were startled to see that we now have 3 contestants out on the ice.

The newest contestant appears to be legally on bare ice, as does both of our starters, but is definitely NOT of Gnomish descent. There were some murmurs in the gathering morning crowd of spectators over this, but a review of the Event Rules show that the new contestant is acceptable: "Any Gnome, Garden Animal, or similar entity may participate."

Our newest contestant is being officially classified as a "Garden Animal", and proves that they can come in all sizes, colors and varieties.

The 3rd contestant interview!

The Gnome-out's third contestant appears to be froggish in background. This reporter took immediate initiative to interview the newest contestant for our readership.

Reporter: "Good morning! We're surprised but happy to see you here today. Can you tell us your name?"

Contestant: "Ribbit"

Reporter: "Ahh... Ribbit! That's your name?"

Ribbit: "Ribbit"

Reporter: "...O.K.! Its Ribbit. What time did you arrive this morning? We were surprised to see you cleared your own spot on the ice"

Ribbit: "Ribbit"

Reporter: "Obviously a Ribbit of few words. Our readership would be interested to know some of your background - maybe where your home pond or lake is, how long it took you to get here, and so on."

Ribbit: "Ribbit"

Reporter: "Somehow I expected that answer. If you don't mind me asking, what is that thing you're carrying? It looks like some sort of metal flower. "

Ribbit: "Ribbit"

Reporter: "You don't say. Last question. If you lose this contest, what will you do next?"

Ribbit; "Croak"

Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International

The Second Contestant Interview!

gp: January 23, 2010

We have the skinny on the second contestant in the Great Gnome-out here for you today!

Grummmpy Chato is his name, and he has apparently traveled here all the way from Norman, Oklahoma. "There I was... cheering on my Sooners when this big ole funnel cloud sucked me up.... well gosh darn it, if it didn't blow me all the way to this frozen hell hole. Now its been rumored if I win this gosh darn contest the Travel---y Gnome is gonna fly me back to the big plains. I mean gosh darn it, I cant miss a season from my team! "


As you can tell, unlike our first entrant, Grummmpy has a strong command of the English language, though both his wording and accent are questionable.

"Its really gosh darn cold out here... and whats with all this gosh darn snow? I walk around and I can't see a gosh darn thing other than white!" At slightly under a foot high, and given the local snow cover, Grummmpy is mostly identifable by the peak of his hat sticking up out of the snow. If it gets any deeper, we might lose him until the thaw starts.


Apparently the contest organizers haven't told Grummmpy that the Great Gnome-out is not affiliated with Travel---y in any fashion, so he is unlikely to get his wish. Rumors out of the Gnomish world have that the Gnome working at Travel---y is a Gnomish outcast having sold out for fame on the Internet.

Indeed, if Grummmpy doesn't win (or possibly even if he does) and he can't swim (not a noted ability in garden Gnomes) he'll be watching the sky from some distance under water rather than from the "big plains".

When asked about the strange device upon his hat, Grummmpy looked at the questioner oddly and stalked off calling: "Sooooners! Sooooners!" Our Gnomish language experts have not been able to recognize the meaning of this call, and its obviously not part of the English language.



Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International

Two on pond - Ice at issue!

(gp: January 23, 2010)

The first two contestants arrived at the official headquarters of the Great Gnome-out this morning wishing to establish their official locations for the event. To the great relief of the Gnomish interpreters, one of the Gnomes - name yet unknown, apparently speaks very good English, albeit with a rather odd accent. After some discussion with the gnomes, a junior staff member followed them out onto the ice to clear away the snow from the desired locations. To great consternation, it was found that the ice was soft under the snow cover.

After careful review of the rules, the Gnome-out Event officials declared that time should be allowed for the ice to re-harden now the snow cover has been removed.

At this writing, the first two declared contestants are waiting beside their locations for the ice to freeze up overnight.

In this picture, the first two contestants wait beside their cleared areas. You have to look closely to see the hat of the second gnome as he is a small entity, and can barely keep his head clear of the snow. This handicap does not seem to phase this contestant; he's still smiling!

(Photo: Gerald Putzny - gpi)