A Winner!

gp: March 16, 2010

The Great Gnome-out 2010 is over!

Clinging on to the last moments as the tiny remaining ice island was pulled into the falls, DuckySnowman has been declared the Official Winner of the 2010 Great Gnome-out!

Catapulted into fame as the companion of Zweilbell the Gnome, DuckySnowman became the designated Contestant of the pair when a contest ruling judgement pointed to the "lower half" of the pair as the real Event competitor. Fans will remember the riveting tale of how Zweilbell and DuckySnowman came to America mistaken as a souvenir from Germany via London, England, and the succor that was given the pair by the New Hampshire based Toumpas Family.


This win is especially interesting as the pair were once declared lost by the Great Gnome-out Executive Judgement Panel when they were burried in the snow and ice and not seen for almost a month.

The Official "Gnome-out" was declared at 5:37am today.

The sad part of the tale is that our winner, like many of our brave contestants, is lost. Search teams are already combing the shores attempting to locate the pair and any other surviving contestants. Presentation of the winning trophy is being held until the pair can be located or they come forward.

On a positive note, one successful rescue has already taken place: Gnappey, our Puerto Rican Gnome and the Great Gnome-out runner up has been recovered. Gnappey was recovered substantially down stream from the Grizwald Pond. Still sporting his favorite mushroom, Gnappey is water logged but hale. He is however, despondent over the loss of Ducky, his small yellow companion who is likely making his way on a long journey of the ponds and streams issuing from the Grizwald Pond.

Ptthbshurtmmmm, sighted earlier at the water's edge has disappeared. Whether this Gnome recovered and made his own way from the Grizwald Pond, or whether someone assisted him is not known.

Hail DuckySnowman!

Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International

All But Two!

gp: March 15, 2010

It wasn't supposed to be this quick!

Absolute carnage at the hands of Mother nature has dominated the past 3 days at the Great Gnome-out, and from it, we have our last two on the ice!

In the last 24 hours, huge amounts of ice has melted under the onslaught of weather staying about freezing at night, 40-50's F during the day, extensive rain, and huge amounts of water moving through the Grizwald Pond.

Currently the free-floating ice island is only about 20' in diameter - at least a three times loss in size in a 24 hour period.

"Doesn't usually go that fast", said hostess Annette Grizwald. "It's early too - mid-March. Wacky weather".

Speaking of loss -

Many of the Gnomes and Garden creatures are currently unaccounted for. Sitting (or lying) solidly on ice yesterday, Sir Humphrey, Ribbit, Jakemily Emiljaky, Snail and Grummpy Chato are now all gone to the rushing waters. Ptthbshurtmmmm was found unresponsive on the pond's shore.

With that group missing, Buzz Flyboy in the hands of Terrorists, and Gnub gone missing earlier, who's still there?
Surprise! The small guys are finishing last! Despite disappearing for great lengths of time under snow and ice, and in one case, being declared lost, small has pulled through.

Ganeppy has reunited with his Ducky (who floats anyway) and both are in a puddle in the middle of the last ice.

Zweibell and his riding companion Duckysnowman have definitely reappeared, and have a commanding location on solid ice.

The game, now international in flavor as Puerto Rico takes on Germany, is still on!

Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International.

*&&*^(^&^^%$%^###

Holy Crap. Apparently the GFBI (Gnome Federal Bureau of Investigation? -- Do they have to copy everything we humans do??) has had my wife, the event judges, the obnoxious pink haired litle Troll reporter and other other tall bearded reporter all stashed at some off-the-way interogation center. In upper Maine some where.

Now they're all out and they're a callin' and screeching at me to get updates on the ice. And the ice. And the Gnomes. And bunches of stuff about terrorist plots. Makes no sense, but they're all going on and on.

Here's an update for ya: It's melting. Fast. They all gonna die soon - hehe.

Since they wanted a picture, I took a few. Here's the only in focus one.

Yep, that's a lot of water where the ice was.

Still the same gnomes as this mornin' out there, but not fer long.

Reporter Bob Grizwald, at yer service!

What the heck is going on?

I woke up this morning and nobody's here. My wife's missing, so are all those judges and meddlin' reporters. I may have slept a bit late afta a brew or two, an' it looks like we lost power for a while in last night's blow, but it's weird that no ones here. Well, the critters are all out on the pond 'cept that Gnub Gnome, who's gone into the water that's raging all around cause of the storm like. And that Airforce Gnomes still missin' of course.

Still raining to beat the band, an' the ice has broken free and is floating all round the pond now. Gettin's smaller fast too. Ain't gonna belong b4 all them Gnomies are swimming...

Weather Update!

March 13, 2010; 6:50pm


"The National Weather Service has issued a flood watch for southern New Hampshire and portions of Massachusetts from this evening through Monday morning.

According to the NWS, the coming storm will bring heavy, long-duration rain, the largest such event since the spring of 2006.

Three to as much as 6 inches of wind-swept rain is forecast along the New Hampshire-Mass. border, with 2 to 4 inches falling further north."

http://www.unionleader.com/article.aspx?articleId=cf883f52-de27-4e0b-8d18-52e17d225aa8&headline=Round+2%3a+Nor%27easter+to+bring+wind%2c+rain%2c+outages+and+flooding

Bob Grizwald: "This aughta finish all them buggers off!"

Gnome-out Terrorist Kidnapping!

Buzz Fly-boy Kidnapped By Jihadist Terroist Group - The Gnational Equire Investigative Report!


By Victoria Dickenson - Gnational Enquire Investigative reporter




The offices of the Gnational Equire, and indeed the entire Gnoming Community were stunned - STUNNED! - today by the finding of a picture and a ransom demand note for Buzz Fly-boy, the Gnome Air force Representative to the Great Gnome-out cruelly attached to the wall of the Grizwald's residence - hosts of this year's Great Gnome-out.

















In the picture left behind, a Gnome, that we can only presume to be Buzz by his apparel, is heavily restrained while flanked by Jihadist guards wearing turbans. How cruelly they have bound poor Buzz, and only the most evil of Gnomes would blind fold their captive with duct tape. All that facial hair!

The Terrorists have identified themselves as the "Pan Gnom Jihad Army Resistance" in the Ransom Note. After talking to all my political

connections (numerous as they are!), it still seems that we know NOTHING about this group in the Gnoming world.

The Ransom Note for our poor Buzz was pinned to the wall of the Grizwald house with great malice with Gardening Shears to make sure we take this message as SERIOUSLY as it is

The message, pictured here in my Photo, reads like this:

"We have Fly Boy
We are the Gnom Jihad Army Resistance
Deliver to us the Plans
or you will never
see fly Boy again
We will contact you
with directions"

WOW. But I have to ask myself, as you, my readers must be asking yourselves -What Plans are worth the life of Fly-boy??


As I write this, the first representatives of the GFBI have begun arriving to the scene, and they have taken possession of both the Picture and the Ransom note. It is unclear what they intend to do.

I am posting this story quickly as they are hearding us all into the Grizwald's living room and I am s

Resurrection and approaching death on the ice!

gp: March 13, 2010

The Ice giveth back, but the water closes in.

Mother nature can be cruel.

With the ongoing weather of low 50's F during the day all this week, the ice pack on the Grizwald Pond continues shrink. Water is almost completely around the edges of the pond and is fully crossing the back of the pond where the main current is.

Mother Nature can also be helpful.

One of our Contestants, Ganeppy, has resurfaced miraculously from the ice's cold clutches. Today's Contestant check positively confirmed Ganeppy's visible presence on the ice, although still partially encased in it's frozen embrace.

"Yeah. Look at that. One of the little buggers is gettin' spit back out" responded an enthusiastic Bob Grizwald who made the initial discovery while sitting on Great Gnome-out's viewing stand and enjoying the first beer of the morning. Given the color of his eyes and general appearance, it was a miracle that Bob could focus enough to see the ice much less the diminutive Gnome.

In a potentially more amazing recovery, rumours are that companion of Zweibell from Germany - Duckysnowman - has been sighted. The yet to be confirmed rumours are that the pair are currently upside down or close to it so only Duckysnowman's white underside is showing, making it very hard for clear identification against the glare of the ice. If Duckysnowman's presence can be verified, the ruling of the Great Gnome-out's judging committee that the pair - or at least Duckysnowman- were lost will have to be reversed.

But again, Mother Nature can be cruel.

As reported earlier, the water continues to close in on Gnub, our Sailor Gnome. Observation has the open water flow across the back of the pond only inches away from Gnub. Worse, it is obvious that the ice under Gnub is thinning.

With today's weather report calling for temperatures in the 40's, and for a rain-based Nor'easter with wind and rain to hit tonight, Gnub may be swimming with the fishes in Grizwald Pond before morning.

The rest of the contestants are mostly unchanged, though it was noted that both Jakemily Emiljaky and Ribbit are beginning to tilt, with Emiljaky's position upon his mushroom starting to look precarious.

Off in the woods to the west now of Grizwald Pond, we can still hear the calls of the Rescue Teams searching for Buzz Fly-boy. This effort has be going on for days, but is wanning as becomes evident that our AirForce Gnome is not to be found.

Our readers must note as the end for some of these upstanding (or lying) creatures nears: what appears to be cruel endings to innocent Gnomes and Garden Creatures is merely Mother Nature's whims and the call of the Great Game.

As the end of the game draws near, the crowds of spectators jostling for viewing position grows daily.

Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International.

At Home with the Grizwalds

gp: March 9, 2010

Meet the Grizwalds - The GPI interview.

Sometimes seen, rarely reported, but always behind the scenes, Annette and Bob Grizwald, the hosts for this year's Great Gnome-out are the proverbial glue that holds the ice together and the oil that floats on it.

Gnome Press International reporter Gerald Putzny got a rare chance to spend some time chatting with the Grizwalds amid the excitement of the Great Gnome-out

Gerald Putzney: Thanks for taking the time to let our readers get to know you better.
Annette Grizwald: Y' welcome.
Bob Grizwald: Want another beer?

GP: I'm good, thanks. Can you tell me why you folks volunteered to host this year's Great Gnome-out?
AG: The little buggers are cute. I got a bunch of my own, but they didn't want to come out of the shed in the cold. Maybe some'll stay afterwards.
BG: God, I hope not. For me, I just wanted to see them go down when the ice melts. Besides, the extra cash the committee paid didn't hurt either.

GP: Has running the Great Gnome-out put a burden on you?
AG: The people ringing the doorbell at all hours, hanging out on the porch, leaving their beer cans and pizza boxes.
BG: ... That was my band buddies.
AG: Well, the protesters.
BG: (laughs) Yeah - they've slowed down a bit after Annette shoveled horse crap on them that one time.
AG: It's what they wanted...
BG: Though I was mad about you throwing my favorite sneakers.
AG: Those rotten pieces of s___, that you'd never get rid of?
BG: (pauses) Ahh... sure. And you shot at some of them too.
AG: Only the old guy who got your sneakers then came back and said his Gnomes wouldn't take them because they smelled some kind of bad. He was tryin' to return them, so I shot at him a couple of times to chase him off.
BG: Did he leave the sneakers?
AG: (sighs) Yes.
BG: Excellent!
AG: Don't bother. I tied the laces together and whipped them up around the power lines. They're still up there.
BG: No wonder it took five days for the line crews to get us power back after the storm.

GP: So who do you like in the contest so far?
BG: I'll tell you who I don't like! I still think that Pissbucket...
GP: Ptthbshurtmmmm?
BG: Whatever. That thing is dangerous.

GP: I read the interview you did where you said you thought it was some other Gnome that had been in your garage...

-- Ten minute break --

GP: All settled down are we?

AG: He's O.K. now.

BG (fumes visibly, but does not reply)

GP: Let's change the subject for a bit then. Is it true there is only one guard dog for the event, and he's deaf?

AG: Our cats are much more territorial. And dangerous.

GP: How about the dog?

AG: What?

GP: The dog...

AG: What?

GP: ... Ah. Deaf as a stone.

AG: What?

GP: Indeed.

BG: (mumbles) Get another beer...

GP: So we never learned who you think is going to win.

AG: Well, I like the frog thing. It's got a nice sunshade in that flower, and a nice wide butt.

BG: (mumbles) Not the only thing around here with an ice cold wide butt.

AG: WHAT?

BG: Rut! The frog isn't in much of a rut. And the rest of them. Now. Ice melt spots. Divots. They're ruts you know.

GP: So Mr. Grizwald, who do you think will win.

BG: Well, I have to be careful you know. A person.. err... people in our position, the missus and me, we have to be careful cause we could alter the flow of events of the Event here, if you know what I mean.

GP: No, I'm not sure. What do you mean?

BG: Well, there is betting going on - strictly legal an all - friendly side bets. Like for beers and stuff.

GP: The Great Gnome-out committee expressly forbids gambling on the results and the activities of the Contest.

BG: Yeah, yeah, sure. Nothing major. Like that. But they do have a line running on it in Vegas now. The Frog's a strong favorite. Mushroom boy's at 3 ta 1.

--Two Minute Break--

BG: Yeah, I'll keep my mouth shut

AG: Idiot

GP: Is there anything else your folks would like to talk about on the Great Gnome-out?

AG: The poor Gnomes that have been lost so far. So courageous.

BG: Yeah. Like that Military one that was always harassing the other ones. The one's that gone missing.

GP: Buzz Fly-boy.

BG: Yeah, Him. That crazy other reporter's been hanging around whining about his being missing. Causing a big racket trying get get somebody to go look in the woods for him.

GP: (with some distaste) Victoria Dickenson

BG: Yeah, that pink haired little thing. They call her Vickie Dickie.

GP: Yes.

BG: Anyway, she's been a real pest recently. Wanted me to take the dog into the woods to hunt for him. Didn't catch on that the only thing the dog can find these days is tennis balls and places to piss on.

--Thirty second break --

GP: You were talking about Ms. Dickenson?

BG: (with side glance to his wife) Yeah.

GP: Why shouldn't she want to look for Mr. Fly-boy? Sounds like a noble thing to do. He doesn't appear to have gone through the ice or fallen into the water.

BG: Well, its a bit odd.

GP: Odd?

BG: All the carrying on.

GP: How so?

BG: Well, it's not like I'm a prude or anything.

GP: I don't understand.

BG: Look. He was a big strapping war hero type.

GP: I suppose so.

BG: And she's this little pink mop haired thing.

GP: Yes, she's small.

BG: Well. She's small. And not a Gnome.

GP: ?

AG: I don't like where you're going with this...

BG: (winces). Well, it's like she could be something else.

GP: Something else?

BG: Like, well, something not pretty.

GP: And?

BG: Like she's a troll or something.

GP: And?

BG: I'm not a prude.

GP: Meaning?

BG: Well you know.

GP: Know what?

BG. A Troll. And a Gnome. She's obviously got this thing about Fly-boy.

--Five Minute break--

BG: I was just saying it ain't natural!

-- Three Minute Break --

AG: Bob had to step out for a few minutes.

GP: Mrs. Grizwald, it's been a please chatting with you. And your husband.

AG: Thanks Mr. Putzney. We're always here.

Gerald Putzney for Gnome Press International

The Gnome-out Update

gp: March 9, 2010


Just a Quick Update


The meltdown continues at the Great Gnome-out. With yet another date hitting 50 degrees F, the ice at the Grizwald Pond continues to shrink. We are only a day - two at best - away from our brave Gnomes and other Enitities being on an ice island completely surrounded by water.

"Yep", said Mrs Grizwald, the property owner. "She usually melts out the back where the current flows first, then melts out the edges. We usually end up with an ice island in the middle".

Oh Ho! Wouldn't that carefully guarded knowledge have been useful to our Contestants when picking spots!

As our host has pointed out, the back edge of the pond is almost all moving water at this point - and it's Gnub that will likely swim for real first because of this. Gnub, who still hasn't recovered from his last fall, reguardless of how it happened, is the Gnome who was positioned furthest out on the pond. Even as this report is being written, the edge of the water is only inches away from Gnub's prostrate body.

In the only other action for the day, Ptthbshurtmmmm, our largest contestant has finally tilted over, and is down on the ice. This leaves Jakemily Emiljaky - whose mushroom is proving a good idea, and Ribbit still sitting.

Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International

We Need A Rescue Effort!

Rescue Buzz Fly-boy - The Gnational Equire Demands Action!

By Victoria Dickenson - Gnational Enquire Investigative reporter

Many of our devoted readers (aren't you all!) remember with trembling heart my amazing inteview with that true personification of Gnomehood, Buzz Fly-boy.

The news is that Buzz has gone missing! As in GONE!

What's worse is that those idiots of Officials at the Great Gnome-out (or is that Official Idiots?) don't seem to care! It's obvious to this Reporter that some sort of nefarious business has been afoot on the ice at the Grizwald Pond.

Examine the facts as this Reporter expertly lays them out for your examination:

1. Buzz and all the other Gnomes were there after the big storm. For those of you ninnies that say he was blown away in the storm -- HELLO! He's in all the pictures afterwards! The pictures never lie so get a life!

2. Several of other other Gnomes are lying down on the job, and NONE of the Gnomes are talking. This Reporter risked life and limb to go out on the ice to talk with these buggers, and none, not even the ones that speak a civilized language would talk. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

3. Unlike Buzz's landing, THERE IS NO MELTED ICE PATH from his jet taking off. This reporter knows perfectly well that Buzz could be perfectly stealthy if he wanted to be and not leave a trail, but we know our Buzz: He would have taken off hot and fast form this forgotten spot.

4. There is no melt-through spot, not like poor Gannepy, and Ducky, and Zeilbell, and that snow-duck thing that are stuck in the ice, probably never to emerge. Buzz was BIG. He was a BIG Gnome that wouldn't just casually melt off into the ice.

The conclusion is obvious: Somebody, some thing has done something nefarious with Buzz. This Reporter knows just how unbelievable that sounds given Buzz's prowness.

There must be a search party sent out! Get Buzz Fly-boy's picture on to the milk cartons! Talk to the local Pixies, Mixies and wildlife!

What are you sitting still for?

More attacks and the first contestants down!

gp: March 6, 2010

Big Happenings at the Gnome-out!

In the week following the the major storm that so drastically affect the Great Gnome-out, changes have been fast paced, with the majority of the Contestants. Worse, we have apparently have had the first 2 casualties.

Observation is purely from distance at this time: between the early spring rains, last week's major storm system and the weather reaching over 40 degrees F during the day, the ice has become unstable enough to not support most humans. Indeed, since the storm there has been open water at both ends of the Grizwald Pond.

More disturbingly, there has apparently been another rash of attacks on the ice.

Here is the status of our contestants:

- Buzz Flyboy, our loud mouthed Gnome Army representative is missing entirely. At this time his fate is unknown. The ice where he had taken his position is unchanged, indeed there appears to be the impression of his feet still visible, however Buzz is not in evidence.

Rumours abound: Did Buzz reach his point of endurance after the storm and take off in his stealth Gnome jet? Was Buzz attacked and carried away by what ever has been stalking the Event Grounds? Was he attacked by rival Gnomes, tired of his incessant needling? We may never know.

- Zweibell and Ducky Snowman have also been lost. Despite whichever entity of this pair you were rooting for, both have apparently gone down through the ice. Ever since the extensive snow storm mid-February that covered over the smaller Contestants, and the subsequent melt down/refreeze cycle, this diminutive pair was only briefly seen the day after the storm, sitting low in the ice.

Three Contestants are still standing upright: Ribbit, whose wide bottom and sunflower umbrella seem to have been a good combination is the least affected by events on the ice. Jakemily Emiljaky and Ptthbshurtmmmm are both still standing (or in Emiljaky's case, sitting) albeit at a list to one side. In both cases, the list is due to the beginning of sinking into the ice.

Sir Humphrey, Grumpy Chato and Gnub are all lying down on the ice. Given the previous attack on Gnub, the Great Gnome-out Event leaders have been worried about the possibility of a repeat of this episode, but the attitude of these three seems to speak more to shear exhaustion versus the result of some attack. All three are in minor ice declivities -the beginnings of a melt-through. The debate rages that these gnomes are not resting and they are tied into the disappearance of Buzz Flyboy in some way. Calls out to the ice to these contestants, have not gained any coherent response, and the condition of the ice is such that humans cannot reach these contestants.

The tale gets much sadder from here. Ganeppy our Spanish speaking Gnome from Puerto Rico and his ducky are on the edge of loss. All evidence of Ducky has disappeared. Ducky struggled early on despite his evident ability to float, his tiny size working against him. Ganeppy himself is in serious difficulty: he has sunk into the ice to the point of being completely encased. Given the freeze at night / melt during the day cycle the Grizwald Pond is currently experiencing any contestant encased in ice could make a reappearance, so this reporter's hopes are with both Ganeppy and Ducky.

Snail, our silent contestant, is just a small lump of a shell, barely sticking out of the ice.

With the weather showing continued clear days with temperatures in the mid 40's F. and nights in the high 20's F., we are heading toward and early Ice-out for the Gnome-out this year.

Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International

Storm Rips through Great Gnome-out

gp: February 27, 2010

Storms and Blackouts!

It's been a while since reporting could happen from the Great Gnome-out, and much has transpired. A particularly viscous late winter / early spring storm came through New Hampshire this past week. The hurricane force winds, combined with mixed heavy rain and snow took down trees and branches all over, and took out power and Internet to the Grizwald residence, the host for this year's event, for almost a week.

As the spectators and Event staff returned to the site, all were astounded at the effect Mother Nature has wrought upon our Contest. Several large trees were knocked down on the Grizwald property, and the surround neighborhood has been substantially damaged, with several of the access road complete blocked by down trees and power lines.

At the pond, water now surrounds the Event area ice on several sides, and the flow both into an out of the pond is dramatic. What are normally sleepy little waterfalls at either end of the pond are now rushing torrents of water. Indeed, the volume is so great that the back edge of the pond has overflowed and is also a waterfall.

A headcount finds all Contestants present and accounted for with a few of the smaller entities struggling with water and melting into the ice somewhat. Debris on the ice makes finding a few of the little folk problematic.

With the future forecast for a warming trend, the ice will continue to decrease -- the Gnome-out is truly underway!





Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International