Gnub Attacked!

gp: February 19, 2010

Doughty Sailor Gnome fights off Mystery Attack in Middle of Night!

Do not be disturbed by the pictures that follow: Our Brave Gnome is none the worse for wear.

Sometime late last night Gnub, the Great Gnome-out's Sailor Gnome was attacked by an unknown assailant.

Rising early this morning, Great Gnome-out host, Mrs. Grizwald, observed Gnub face down on the ice. Thinking quickly, Mrs. Grizwald summoned the event's Medical Team, grabbed her trusty shotgun and ran out to Gnub's aid on the ice.

Both the Medical Team and Mrs. Grizwald ascertained that the Gnome was fine when he responded clearly: "Yarr. I'm a sleepin' hereabouts. L'emme 'lone"

Leaving rounded, indistinct tracks, Gnub's assailant was apparently driven off before inflicting permanent or visible damage to the Sailor. How Gnub succeeded in staying unharmed, of if he was really attacked is not known,


Surprisingly, none of the other other contestants offered any commentary on the Gnub's ordeal other than Buzz Flyboy's snide comment alluding to the Sailor's inability to hold his liquor. The general silence around the apparent confrontation is very unusual for Gnomes: usually somebody has something to say.



Later in the day, Gnub apparently woke up and righted himself, looking none the worse for wear.

Gerald Putzny for the Gnome Press International

Snow! Gnome-out pictorial

gp: February 16, 2010

Let there be snow!

Overnight, Mother Nature let loose with 9 inches or so of the fluffy white stuff, effectively blanketing most of the contestants of the Great Gnome-out. When morning came, our intrepid homeowner, Mrs. Grizwald was able to make a forary out to the pond to try and locate our contestants.

The contestant pictures below are the only ones she was able to identify










Jakemily Emiljaky



Ribbit. (the flower was a great help)









Psssbucket



















Buzz Flyboy





Grumpy Chato

We are all hoping that all is well with our other contestants whose smaller stature has placed them under the snow line, and wish them the best of thaws in the increasingly warmer days ahead this week.

Gerald Putzny for the Gnome Press International

It's a Snail

gp: February 15, 2010


A Snail is a snail is a snail.


Our 10th contestant is small, and has arrived with his own house. Attached.


At only 2 inches tall, this Garden Creature is invoking concern over his diminutive size. Little is known about this contestant, having slithered his way out onto the ice in time for the start of the Great Gnome-out, and subsequently been entered as a contestant, not a peep of communications has come from this fellow.


A certain amount of grumbling has been heard from some of the nearby contestants of the snail's ability to pull into his shell.


"Bet he's nice and warm in there" carped Jakemily Emiljaky, the nearest Gnome, as if he wasn't toting a butt-warming toadstool of his own.

Indeed, there was enough general hubbub out on the ice, that Great Gnome-out Committee Member Richard "Dick" Heade personally came out onto the ice. After a frustrating period of time attempting to communicate with the snail, Mr. Heade issued following statement:

"Sometimes a Snail is just a snail."

Et tu, escargot?

Gerald Putzney for Gnome Press International

The British Connection

gp: February 2/14/2010

A Proper British Gnome

The Great Gnome-out's contestant number nine is another European adventurer. Sir Humphrey is a proper citizen of the British Isles, hailing from the south bank of the River Thames in great London itself.

Swearing that the "Sir" has been properly obtained via knighting by the Queen herself (of Faeries, apparently) for unusual and extensive services to the crown, Sir Humphrey for many years has been the Chief Chimney Gnome at the Battersea Power Station.


Notable for being the setting of Pink Floyd's 'Pigs On The Wing Part 1' as well as the cover art from their 1977 concept album, Animals, the Battersea Power Station has become one of the better known landmarks in London. Built in two stages in the form of a single building with four very large smokestacks on the south bank of the River Thames, the coal burning station ceased generating electricity after almost 50 years in 1983, giving a now lonely Sir Humphrey time to travel.

When asked if being a Chimney Gnome is similar enough to being a Garden Gnome to qualify for this competition, Sir Humphrey replied: "Well. Soot is soot is it not? Call it soot, call it dirt, its all filthy stuff that you can grow things in if you were so minded. Besides," as he cast his eye (or so we thought - as nobody can see his eyes) around the various contestants out on the ice, "even run over by a lorry I would be able to fit in with this bloody lot"

Having stumped out and sat on the ice, it is not clear whether Sir Humphfrey regrets his choice of location nearby Buzz Flyboy, who has talked about his exploits essentially non-stop since landing. Having turned his back to Flyboy, we might guess the thought.

Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International

Sittin' High with Pride!

gp: February 8, 2010

Jakemily Emiljaky? Yet another gnome with a secret, and more controversy.



Coming back from the Great Gnome-out's Gmedia Blackout, we find that some of the Gnomes haven't had their day in the media sun have been desperate to get their stories heard. One Gnome, Gnub, went to the point of writing his (rather unprofessional) own story and then posted it to the Internet.


Our next Gnome is more traditional than some of our contestants albeit the pointy nose that matches his pointy head er... hat. To the relief of our Gnomish interpreters, this Gnome speaks clear Garden Gnomish Standard Number 1. What wasn't entirely clear was why he choose (or was given) the name Jakemily Emiljaky. When asked, Jakemily simply replied in clear Standard #1: "Why not?"


Unlike the majority of the contestants, Jakemily came prepared food-wise for the event, carrying a bag of apples and his favorite lucky strawberry. Also unlike a number of our contestants, Jakemily has a full-time job that he is currently on hiatus from.

"Controlling the Zoomies and catching them again if they get away".

We are un-clear what "Zoomies" might be, but they are apparently dangerous and may be similar to Pixies. While pursing understanding of this comment, this reporter overhead another Gnome out on the ice mutter "Nuclear".

The controversy started immediately the next morning when it became apparent that Jakemily Emiljaky grew a very large mushroom under him as he sat on on the ice overnight.

As we have seen a couple times already now, this occurrence has thrown the Great Gnome-out Judges into a tizzy. Again the event rules were examined because, as the astute Gnome-out follower knows, per rule #4, the Gnomes and other Garden Entities have to stand directly on the ice: there can not be any interposing structure or item that might act as a flotation device.


When confronted by the Judges, Jakemily firmly stated that he was "one with the Shroom" and that he would never abandon his mushroom. Furthermore, the mushroom and he would "go down together if that's what it takes!" Examination of the mushroom proved it to be of solid stuff; indeed much like the Gnome himself. With these statements and the result of the examination, the Judges have ruled to allow the mushroom to stay, barring further evidence that it change into some sort of life-preserver.

Later, this reporter privately asked Jakemily Emiljaky how he grew this fungus overnight in the middle of of a pond covered in ice, and why. Jakemily declined to answer the first question, choosing to smile enigmatically and to throw a well chewed apple core at neighboring Gnome instead. To the second question, his response was as pointed as his head.. er... nose.

"My ass was cold sitting on the ice"


Gerald Putnzy for Gnome Press International.

Gnub speaks

Gnub here.

I been sailin' the ocean blue.

Used to be a grub farmer out west.

Started hearin' the sounds of the ocean in my head.

I signed up with them Navy Boys.

Been all over the world and seen some mighty fine sights.

Heard bout this contest about sittin on a frozen pond till we falls in. I aint afraid of no pond water!!!

Heave ho!

Imma gonna take the first Prize fer shure!

Buzz Fly-boy - The Gnational Equire Interview

By Victoria Dickenson - Gnational Enquire Investigative reporter

As apparently the Great Gnome-out's suck up reporter Gerald the Putz has fallen through the ice, it is one again up to the Gnational Equire and this reporter to bring you all the news.

This reporter was been hearing jet engines mixed with usual helicopters for days before the start of the Great Gnome-out. In dramatic fashion and with jet engine sounds, the subject of our interview came in for a landing the night of the kick off, leaving a trail of melted ice behind him.

After the gaggle of Judges and the Event committee had finally finished with our Gnome, and after this reporter was able to sneak back onto the grounds after the Event committee's ill-advised choice of a Gmedia blackout, we were able to get pictures and this thrilling interview.

Our Gnome is named "Buzz Fly-boy", and he's a military man.. er, Gnome. He has been flying high over head in his super duper stealth reconnaissance jet for several days scoping out the situation and deciding whether or not to commit to this competition. He apparently deemed it worthy enough of his talents as he is here!

Buzz was born at Elm Hollow Farm somewhere near the manure pile. At the tender age of 70 Buzz was drafted by the United States Gnome Air Force. While in the USGAF, he excelled at every job he held whether it be bootlicker, mechanic or Ace Pilot. No standing out in gardens for Buzz!

With little research, we have discovered that Garden Fairies tremble at the thought of engaging in aerial combat with Buzz. To date no Garden Fairy has lived to best him. Even the kamikaze fireflies are no match for Buzz. Mosquito's are nothing to him.... just a splatter on his windscreen of his super duper stealth fighter jet. He is like the wind... graceful, quiet, deadly.... and gnomish.

This reporter's blood races merely standing next to this icon of Gnomehood.

A Very Strange Start - Gnome-out Kickoff

(gp: February 1, 2010)

It was probably appropriate that there was an odd start to an odd event.

With all the crowds and the all the hullabaloo, with strange contestants arriving at odd moments or appearing miraculously, with all the convroversy it's contestants have caused, it should not have been as big of a shock as it was that the Great Gnome-out Executive Committee declared a "Gmedia blackout" and canceled the opening day festivities on the day of the start of the Event.

"We understand your surprise" explained Richard Heade, the senior committee member on hand at the time. "But given a number of the issues we have encountered this year, the committee voted to try and slow down some of the notoriety the event is generating."

The announcement also took the crowds which had gathered in the pre-dawn morning waiting for the usual fertilizer and used sneaker handouts that mark the beginning of past Gnome-outs by surprise as well. Suspecting that this was only a cost-saving maneuver on the event committee's part, the crowd's mood turned restive quickly.

"How'm I supposed to get the garden to go wi' no fertilizer?" complained Howard D. Doody, a slightly stooped old man with stiff joints. " Them's garden critters will be wanting to get inter the house agin if the garden's no good. An' I ain't got no mo' shoes ta heave at them ter quiet 'em down either. Leave it ter ol' Dick Heade to screw this up."

A potential uprising was averted by quick thinking on the part of Mrs. Grizwald, one on the homeowners who are hosting this year's Gnome-out, when she began shoveling pitchfork fulls of old horse manure at the crowd.

"Here's your fertilizer!" she yelled.

Whether or not this is what the crowd had in mind, it apparently did the trick as the crowd dissipated quickly at that point.

So despite this day which has gone rather differently, the Great Gnome-out is truly underway with it's nine contestants snugly out on the ice. The Event committee is still working the registrations of the last entrants, but this reporter is happy to report that the Gnome Press International has the exclusive pictures and stories of these contestants already, and will be bringing you these over the next several days.

Gerald Putzny for Gnome Press International.